Episode 7: "21"

On this day, 21 years ago, I gave birth to a baby boy.  It was definitely a Holy Shit moment.  I can't honestly say that he was fantastically beautiful. Cute, for sure, but squishy in that newborn way with lots of hair, which is just weird.  My mom fantasy was that babies were bald and chubby.  Brandon had hair like Harry Styles.  Okay, slight exaggeration but his hairline was kinda dopey for awhile and we bought a lot of hats at Baby Gap. 

 2 days old

My obstetrician was a big a-hole. He saw me on the 27th and said my blood pressure was too high and I needed to be induced. I asked, quite innocently, what happens if we don't induce?  He crudely said, “You want a dead baby?”  Riddle me this: I am hormonally fracking crazy with a full-term baby sitting on my sciatic nerve.  Do you use the word dead in my presence?  I was too enormous to kick him in the face.

5 months

It's weird not actually going into labor. You prep for that moment for 9 months. We did Lamaze classes. We learned how to breathe. Huff huff huff flying spit huff. When you're being induced it’s like waiting for your 2:00 colonoscopy appointment. It was a glorious fall day and we sat around, took a walk, stared at each other, waiting for the hospital to call. There were no open beds. It was a full moon, they explained, and women were going into labor like werewolves gone wild.  Finally the call came at 4 PM.  He was born at 7:20.  Holy Shit.

Let me tell you that I was the worst babysitter on earth. I didn't babysit often, but when I did kids would go bonkers as if I was the substitute teacher.  I once had 3 kids jumping up and down on beds as if high on Mountain Dew.  I thought they'd crack their heads open and I wouldn’t get paid for my fabulous services. I was traumatized. I hated them. And now I was about to be a mother. 

Unrelated, you say?  Absolutely, but the experience freaked me out. 

My son never jumped on beds but he was colic for a few months, which is enough to put a lock and key on your ovaries and surrender.  He will freak out when he reads this part but I think he can handle a little ovary joke.  After all, he is 21 today and gleefully burning his fake id's. Happy Birthday to my Beautiful Wonder of the World.  

My 21 year old Aerospace Engineer